Perfectionism

I aspire to be Super Mom, the woman who can juggle the needs of husband, children, the ministry, home-schooling, housework, extra curricular activities, and extended family; I expect to do this without breaking into a sweat thereby ruining hair and make-up. The problem with aspiring to be a superhero is that as wonderful as this appears in comic books one does not exist outside the realm of imagination.

If my aspiration seems ridiculous then consider the women that you admire. Most likely you also are either envious of someone who seems to be Super Mom or you have taken a composite of several women and designed your own prototype. Her house and yard are always tidy, her children clean and immaculately dressed in clothing she tailor-made, and she herself is always beautiful, smiling, and happy. The meals she fixes are nutritious and economical, yet appealing. If this is your ideal woman, then you really must read in Genesis 3 about the one woman in the Bible who did experience perfection, however briefly.

Eve was the first woman and was specially created by God to be the wife of the first man, Adam. She did not face some of the challenges that her daughters would such as who to marry, where to live, what to fix for dinner, or what to wear. God arranged all those details before she ever arrived on the scene.

Eve’s abode was within the self-watering, non-weed producing, immaculately-kept Garden of Eden. She, her husband, and their children were to have no wardrobe problems. Their food was readily available and consisted of an ever abundant supply. Her offspring were always going to be obedient to the point of not experiencing sibling rivalry, and their pets would never scratch or bite. Eve was designed by God to be Super Mom and the ancestress of many more like herself.

So what happened?

Satan began to speak to her. He made her question whether or not she had the best of what God had to offer. It would appear that the perfect woman was convinced by Satan that she was not quite perfect enough. There was one more thing that she needed. If she took just one bite she would be a god herself! The thought appealed to her and she succumbed to the temptation. The Bible does not say what the serpent said to her after she had eaten but it doesn’t take much to surmise mockery was involved.

I’ve often listened to the demonic voices whispering in my ear, too. I’ve given into temptation more times than I can count. First the voices tell me that I can be better if I just take one more thing to juggle. After awhile it becomes obvious that I've been deceived as the voices progress to the taunting stage: “You’ve ruined everything again! Every time you fail your family is ashamed of you. You might as well stop trying to serve God and your family. You have no talents or abilities. You are just wasting your time and everyone else’s. You should just give up. You are so defective that it was wrong for you to even have children and pass on your genes to further generations.” When I listen to these voices I have the desire to stop everything and go sit in a corner until I rot. After all, what’s the use? Depression takes up residence in my heart.

Am I the only person on earth who has ever felt – or who now sometimes feels – that way? Do these voices only taunt me? I seriously doubt it. As far as I can tell from scripture and from discussions with others, the little voices constantly spark us on to unobtainable desires only to progress to the place of pointing out our imperfections and capitalizing upon known weaknesses. They delight in making us put on our Super Mom costume and then laughing in derision when our powers fail and we fall flat on our faces.

There is no discounting that what the demonic voices say have some merit in truth. I do have certain obligations and responsibilities. And I am not a perfect wife and mother. I also have caused shame at times, whether for myself or others. I have passed on the defective genetic makeup that I inherited from my parents, who inherited it from their parents, and so on until traced back to this same Eve. But it is not true that I should throw up my hands and quit. It is not an all or nothing proposition.

In my dark moments the demonic voices point out that I cannot reconcile the public persona of the Super Mom pastor’s wife with the private person that my husband and children sometimes encounter. The cries of, “Hypocrite!” ring in my ear loudly. What if my children tell anyone what I am like when I am depressed or angry? What will people think of me? What happens to my image? And if the voices really have talked me into reaching the point of despair they get me thinking that God is unfair. Why did He make me this way in the first place? Doesn’t He want me to better myself? What is God withholding from me?

I cannot think of a more vivid and depressing picture of what can happen when a woman discovers that an idyllic life is unattainable than the story we encountered several years ago of one who listened to the voices. She and her two sons lived in our community. One son was grown and in the military. The other was in high school. The woman was divorced and her ex-husband lived in another state.

The older son went to visit his mother during his leave. While he was home she drugged and killed him. When the younger son arrived she killed him, too, and then herself also. The news of the double-murder suicide rocked our small town.

My husband was often asked by a local funeral director to conduct the services of those who had no church affiliation and he was asked to preach the funeral of these three. As he prepared for this event correspondence that the woman had written was released. She stated that she wanted to end her life, but she did not want her genes to pass on to other generations. Therefore she took the lives of her sons as well. If you don’t think that those whispers are real then you better think again. This is just one example of how powerful the lies of Satan can be.

How different this story would be if the woman had listened to scriptures instead of to the antithesis. It was too late for her and her sons. Only the living heard the hope found in the gospel in that packed chapel. But even on that day Satan had someone present to snatch the scripture seeds planted in grieving hearts. A cult leader appeared at the graveside demanding to consecrate the graves. Everything he said or did contradicted the gospel that had just been preached.

What if Eve’s response to her sin had been the same as this mother’s? Unlike her, Eve did not destroy her children in order to prevent corruption from spreading. Instead, one of her sons almost did. It is never easy to see one’s own sinfulness displayed in offspring, but to have one rise up and kill another was a graphic lesson of the wages of sin that came due the day she ignored God and listened to the serpent.

Where is the hope? Everything mentioned so far has only served to highlight the depressing circumstances of life.

The hope is found within Eve’s own story. In Genesis 3:15 God promised her that through her own descendants would come redemption. God promised to send a Son who would ultimately defeat the wicked one.

We know that Eve believed God because the naming of her firstborn “Cain” seems to indicate that she knew that obtaining a man from the LORD was the desired objective. She said as much. When it became obvious that neither Cain, nor Abel, were the promised Seed she named the son born after the murderous event “Seth” which means “appointed.” If Eve had destroyed her children to prevent the continuation of the sin nature her own Redeemer could never have been born. Only by bearing children and allowing the human race to perpetuate could she have any hope of salvation. I do not pretend to understand all that I Timothy 2:13-15 means but I know that childbearing is what enabled Eve to experience redemption because it ultimately led to the birth of her own Savior and descendant, Jesus Christ.

What is the remedy to perfectionism?

It is time to hang up the Super Mom costume – no, destroy it completely – and find something more suitable. Unlike the one-size-too-small dress that hangs in your closet waiting for you to lose those extra pounds, the Super Mom costume will never fit no matter what you do.

It is time to put away the fear of what others will think once they know we are mere mortals. Do we really think that anyone believes our self-aggrandized press releases? Are you worried about who will know? Everyone knows of Eve’s failure. God inspired hers to be documented through His Word and intended everyone to read it. Failure doesn’t get any more public than that!

What can we do practically?

First, realize perfection no longer exists in the human realm. Its only hope died when sin came into the world. Even Eve, the perfect woman, was convinced by Satan that there was more perfection that she could achieve. Is it any wonder that we succumb so easily?

Second, realize that those voices enticing you first to perfectionism then later to shame are just as demonic as the serpent who spoke with Eve. They are not your conscience or even the Holy Spirit within you. They are evil. Know your enemy.

Third, realize that the voices are telling you half-truths at best. Yes, there are enough facts included to confuse you. That’s the point. Search the scriptures to see if everything you are hearing is true. More than likely, it isn’t.

Fourth, spend time with God in prayer. The two-way conversation found by reading scripture and talking back to God will help quiet the anti-God voices. It is hard to listen to the voices that feed depression if God is talking to you and you are talking to Him. No one can get a word in edgewise.

Fifth, realize that life goes on even in its sinful condition. Focus upon the beauty found within your redeemed self and in the world around you.

Sixth, sing! Sing praises to God whether you feel like it or not. The voices don't like songs that praise Jesus.

Seventh, if you truly think some other woman is Super Mom you need to pray for her. She isn’t. Either you’ve placed her upon a pedestal or she is working feverishly to try to stay upon one of her own making. Satan will do his best to bring her down just to discourage all who buy into the myth. Pray for her. If you happen to discover her weaknesses, don’t exploit them. Tearing others down to make yourself look better only serves to make the opposite happen.

Eighth, pray for me and I’ll pray for you. Pray for all of our daughters. The tendency to achieve Super Mom status seems to grow with each succeeding generation. Our culture demands it.

Lastly, realize that the superhuman expectations that you put upon yourself are unrealistic because you do not have the power to sustain them. Any superhuman expectations God puts upon you are realistic because He will provide the power to perform them. Ultimately, God expects us to be perfect, but He provides the means for achieving it through the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ.

Be perfect in Christ. Do not be a perfectionist.