Victimization

This is the sixth lesson in the series on Biblically understanding the causes of depression.

The first lesson: Perfectionism.
The second lesson:Futility.
The third lesson:Idolatry.
The fourth lesson:Worldliness.
The fifth lesson: Guilt.


Adults are supposed to take care of children. Older people nurture younger people. This is something that we all know, or should know. But sometimes things go desperately wrong.

In last week’s lesson we looked at guilt as something that can depress us. In that case, the person is the perpetrator who wronged another. In this week’s lesson we will study depression from the other side: from the perspective of a victim.

It is an interesting fact that both the perpetrator and the victim can experience depression as a result of sin. One would think that only the guilty would feel this way, but this is not the case. Indeed, some who are guilty seem never to suffer any feelings of remorse at all. Being a victim may cause more depression than being the instigator. This is especially true if the guilty party never repents.

It is here that I must interject my understanding of Biblical forgiveness. Forgiveness follows repentance. If the wrongdoer does not repent of the evil that he has done, he cannot be forgiven by the victim. This is the way that God deals with sinners. Bitterness is another thing entirely. The Bible teaches that we should let go of bitterness because it does nothing to hurt the wrongdoer but causes further hurt to the victim.

This is a hard lesson for me to write. Like the lesson about idolatry I have some experience in this area but without the extreme conditions that others have faced. I do not think this makes my experiences any less traumatic for me, but mine could be perceived as trivial when compared to those of others.

Many adults today bear the emotional scars of sexual abuse. The offense against them was usually committed by the very people who should have been protecting them: adult relatives. I have not read recent statistics but at one time it was estimated that 1 in 4 people would suffer sexual abuse. There is no telling how many would be children but I think it can be assumed that it would be a high percentage.

That is not my story but I do feel that my family and I were victims of a very sadistic and cruel individual. In our case the abuse was one of terror and fear. I was naïve enough as a young pastor’s wife to think that such assaults only happened to missionaries on foreign fields. Evidently this is not so.

In one of the churches where my husband was the pastor there was a man who tried to control our lives. He appeared to be obsessed with everything about us including our ministry, our children, and our friendships. He was careful to never leave direct evidence that could be taken to authorities. This person was a coward. I can safely say that he was a terrorist. Terrorists are cowards who gain notoriety by making victims of women and children.

Anonymous hate mail carrying postmarks from outside our city would arrive after visits from our friends who are of a different ethnic background. Racism was one trademark of this individual. Also, whenever my husband traveled and left our small children and me at home we would receive threatening phone calls. This was back before caller i.d. At least once one of the children answered the phone and the person with the disguised voice threatened my child. Usually I answered the call and the disguised voice would either say things of an obscene or a threatening nature.

At first it was not obvious who was behind these acts but after awhile we figured it out and decided to test our hypothesis with an experiment. It was my husband’s habit to announce to the congregation that he was going out of town. It became evident that it was someone who sat in the pew each week who was taking note of my husband’s announced absences. My husband never again announced that he would be gone. Only those who needed to know were told. The calls stopped immediately. Since there were other reasons to suspect this person – he was not well mannered even when he was not committing criminal acts – it was not difficult to surmise the culprit’s identity.

It is not a new thing for a person to become a victim of someone who is supposed to love and pray for him. Joseph was a young man who was victimized by the very people who should have been concerned for his well-being: his older brothers. Parents of multiple children depend upon the older siblings to care for the younger. It is a matter of trust. In the case of Joseph, it was his brothers who argued among themselves about whether or not they should kill him. Finally it was decided that they should make a profit by selling him as a slave to a caravan of traders on their way to Egypt. They then had to make it look as though he had been attacked by a wild animal.

The day came when Joseph was revealed to his brothers as the savior of their very lives. I know that if most of us had our way the story may have ended a bit differently with the brothers going back to Canaan empty-handed. In God’s providence Jacob’s family was spared from certain starvation. Notice that whenever Joseph and his brothers discussed the prior deed their guilt is not passed over as though they had done no wrong. The brothers admitted the guilt in chapter 45 and again in chapter 50. Their repentance became as well-known as their sin. Joseph knew that they meant him harm and said as much. But God was able to salvage something good from that evil act.

Why do the victims react to their victimization with depression? I suspect it has much to do with vulnerability. There is something about being a victim that mimics being a hunted animal. The violation of one’s person, whether emotional or physical, is not easily overcome. I confess to you that at times I lived in fear which is exactly what our tormentor wanted. Victims are ashamed. They feel as though they are not worthy to live. The perpetrator is not the real winner. Satan is. Satan wins a battle each time that the victim relives the victimization and experiences depression because of it. This truly is guilt that is misplaced. The guilt belongs to the abuser but the abused picks it up and carries it with them throughout their lives unless someone interferes and tells them to put it down.

I am very glad to say that someone has interfered. Jesus tells us that He has taken upon himself our guilt. If we are not even to carry our own guilt we surely are not meant to shoulder the guilt that does not belong to us. God can then use the event to build something good from the devastation if we will let Him. It might be hard to see how that can be. I doubt that Joseph could see the big picture during those years between the time his brothers abused him and their arrival in Egypt. It wasn’t until the famine that Joseph was able to discern something good that could come from it.

This cause of depression is slightly different from any that we have studied so far. All of the others were caused by problems that we bring about ourselves. Perfectionism, feelings of futility, idolatry, worldliness, and guilt are all actions and attitudes that we control. This cause of depression is caused by the actions of someone else.

I have good news. We are not helpless. When it comes to fighting this cause of depression we have the largest spiritual warhead known to man. The words of comfort that are found in scripture are not mere words. I do not have steps for us to follow to fight this cause of depression. This week I will list only scripture verses because God can say it so much better than I can.

To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste. For the LORD shall judge his people, and repent himself for his servants, when he seeth that their power is gone, and there is none shut up, or left. Deuteronomy 32:35, 36

Psalm 94 – (Read it yourself in its entirety. Here are a few verses from it) O LORD God, to whom vengeance belongeth; O God, to whom vengeance belongeth, shew thyself. Lift up thyself, thou judge of the earth: render a reward to the proud. LORD, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked triumph?...Yet they say, the LORD shall not see, neither shall the God of Jacob regard it. Understand, ye brutish among the people: and ye fools, when will ye be wise? He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? He that formed the eye, shall he not see?...Who will rise up for me against the evildoers? Or who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity? Unless the LORD had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence. When I said, my foot slippeth; thy mercy, O LORD held me up. In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul….But the LORD is my defence; and my God is the rock of my refuge. And he shall bring upon them their own iniquity, and shall cut them off in their own wickedness; yea, the LORD our God shall cut them off. Verses 1-3, 7-9, 16-19, 22-23

Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thy enemy hunger, feed him, if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21 (See also Proverbs 25:21-22)

Dear Lord Jesus,

Help us to allow you to settle the score. Help us to give up the bitterness that poisons our souls. May our lives not be overcome by the depression that comes from being a victim of someone else’s sin. And may our abusers repent before their time of judgment arrives. Build something good from these things. Even though our enemies meant these things for our harm may they be used for your good.

In Jesus’ name we pray,

Amen

A Puzzling Situation Update

When I wrote my original post here about the erroneous cover on the Sudoku puzzle book that I recently bought some of you suggested I contact the publisher. I did just that.

I really wasn't expecting much of a reply, and in one way I wasn't disappointed, but in another way their reply makes great blog fodder because it is just as humorous. The reply made it obvious how such a mistake happened in the first place. And it is always nice when someone responding to a criticism of their product can pass the buck as well. Nothing says, "couldn't possibly be our fault" better than that "company has gone out of business. . ." I suppose the distributing company has no editors of their own.

I sent a letter via our family email account (the one that arrives in your inbox bearing Pastor Dad's name as opposed to my anonymous "Karabeth" one). I'm removing all identifying information so that a big name newspaper publisher like, oh, say USA ----- doesn't get upset. The parts that have been edited for the blog appear now in brackets like these { }. Material in parenthesis appeared in the actual letter in parenthesis.

Here is my letter:

"About a month ago I purchased one of your puzzle booklets. The booklet is entitled { the name of the book}. On page one (inside the front cover) it says this is '{written by a certain puzzle company}'

Might I suggest that you take another look at the puzzle that is featured on your front and back covers? The numeral "1" is given twice in the bottom row. I truly do hope that the puzzles inside the booklet are not as impossible to solve as the one on the covers.

Sincerely,

Karabeth" (my real name was used in the original letter, of course, and not my blog nickname)


And here is the received reply:


"Hi, Pastor Dad- (they obviously used his real name and not his blog nickname)

Thank you for pointing out the error on our last Sudoku magazine. I have not received any other complaints about the quality of the puzzles so I suspect that was the first error in the 20 or so editions we published since October 2007. Unfortunately, our publishing and distribution partner for the Sudoku magazines { } has gone out of business but we hope to find another partner soon to publish similar magazines.

Thanks for your interest in USA -----.

{Signature}"

"Pastor Dad" appreciates the reply. :)

Shirttail Relations

I just returned from a funeral.

Perhaps that isn't the normal lead-in sentence for a humorous story, but then, most of you have never met my family. We don't "do" funerals like most families "do" funerals. While it is true that we shed our tears and grieve, we also laugh and tell funny stories about the deceased and each other. Since almost everyone in my family knows the Lord as their Savior we view a funeral as a celebration of our loved one's promotion. Laughter is generously mixed in with our grief, especially if our loved one has been blessed enough to experience a long, happy life.

Such was the case today. The loved one was a 95-year-old "teenager" who had more stories told about her by the family and the pastor who conducted the service than anyone I've heard about in a long, long time.

The deceased was not physically related to me. Okay, this is where things get a little complicated so feel free to either get a worksheet from Ancestry.com or try to keep up by drawing diagrams on scrap paper.

There were enough shirttail relatives at this funeral today that we probably could have made a conga line of gigantic proportions holding onto each other's shirttails if we'd had the time. And the deceased herself would have approved!

The dear lady who died was the grandma of my cousins - just not the grandma that we shared. But this grandma was good friends with both of my grandmas, including the one that the cousins and I shared. And because she was such a good friend of my grandmas I had been around this lady often in my youth.

These cousins are very dear to me. Well, all of my cousins are, but these didn't grow up with the rest of us. That's probably a good thing since it kept them from marrying within our circle of acquaintances. That's really funny, too, because the area where I was raised is near a large city. It's just that the little bedroom community where our parents were raised - and where I and the rest of the cousins were raised - is rather small. Since I am the family historian only I have any idea of how closely related everyone in the community really is. There wasn't any in-breeding, but it is a miracle to be able to say that. The automobile wasn't invented too soon.

Anyway, today I was at the funeral home for two reasons. First, I was there to pay my respects to a lady I've known my whole life. And second, I was there to visit with my aunt and the cousins that I don't get to see often. This aunt is my father's sister.

At the funeral home today were some of the cousins from my cousins' dad's side of the family (the other side of their family). During the conversations someone tried to introduce us .

"We already know each other" I said.

"How?" someone asked.

"We grew up together," was the reply. And as we were growing up we were aware of the fact that we shared cousins.

My cousin wanted to introduce me to her cousins' cousins from their other side of the family but they weren't there, unfortunately, but their parents were. Are you keeping up? I was to be introduced to my cousins' cousins' cousins. Not to worry. I already knew those people, too.

And as I mentioned, this cousin of mine is on my dad's side of the family. But as we were standing in the foyer at the funeral home the director walked up to my mom and asked her to step back about 5 feet. The reason? Mom's own cousin wanted to say, "Hi!" She was the lady upstairs on the second floor playing the organ.

Conga anyone?

The Promised Give-Away

Okay, so I'm way past my 100th post, but a promise is a promise. This is the long awaited give-away.

We order books from time-to-time. Actually, to say we order books about once a week would be more accurate. Anyway, Pastor Dad and I have this joke between us that when one of us sees the UPS truck coming into the neighborhood he or she looks at the other and exclaims, "Did I tell you that I ordered . . .?" We get a good laugh out of it and feel we are doing our part to stimulate the economy by keeping book companies and the local UPS driver in jobs.

In our packages we often find books tucked into our order that the company sends just because they like us. Or because they know we're the folks keeping them in business. Or they send them to everyone who makes certain purchases. I don't know WHY they send them to us. They just do.

So in the spirit of giving I am willing to pass some of these books on to you. As you can see in the picture, there are three in the give-away. All of them will be sent to one winner.

They are:

1. The New England Primer, Boston 1777, Patriotic Textbook Series, republished by Vision Forum
2. The Original Blue Back Speller, New York 1824, Patriotic Textbook Series, republished by Vision Forum
3. A Cluster of Camphire: Words of Cheer & Comfort To Sick & Sorrowful Souls, by Mrs. C.H. Spurgeon (originally published in 1898), republished by Particular Baptist Press

The rules are:

1. Leave me a comment telling me that you would like the books.
2. You may enter as many times as you wish.
3. The contest will end at midnight Friday, April 3rd.
4. Random drawing will be made at noon on Saturday, April 4th.
5. If you leave a comment anonymously, please either give me enough information that I can tell who you are or send me a message at Karabeth6@gmail.com. I will not ask for your real name or address unless you are the winner.