The Marvels of Modern Medicine

Isn't modern medicine wonderful? I'm rarely sick enough to warrant a visit to my primary care physician but when I go I am amazed with the latest tools at his disposal and drugs in his arsenal.

Such was the case Friday. I desperately needed help serving eviction papers to the elephant sitting on my chest. My body temperatures were steadily holding in the tropical range no matter what I did and the elephant obviously was a fan of warmer climes.

My last fever-free day was Wednesday. The one from the night before had broken and the elephant must've been out running an errand because I was breathing well and feeling better except for a slight headache. I decided to go on to church. Since a headache can quickly escalate, I sat on the back row in case I needed to make a hasty exit. This caught the attention of a few church members. I guess I looked a little under-the-weather because one asked if I had Swine Flu.

• What I wanted to reply was, "Of course I think I have Swine Flu! That's why I came to church on the first night of our mid-week ministries just so that I'd have a packed building in which to share the germ."
• What I replied was, "No, I don't have the Swine Flu. Right now it is just a slight headache," as I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

My physician verified my claim by taking a swab. We discussed how quickly a diagnosis for things like strep and flu can be made these days. The swab would not tell if I had Swine Flu but if it came back positive it would assumed to be of that variety. He knew I didn't have it, and I knew I didn't have it, but given recent hysteria (and the fact that the person in the next examination room had just tested positive and was receiving an anti-agent) he decided to test me. Our conversation leading up to the swab went something like this:

Dr.: Do you have any flu symptoms?

Me: Every time I get a fever I experience some of the symptoms.

Dr.: Any muscle aches?

Me: I went canoeing last Saturday. Every muscle in my body ached before I got sick.

Dr.: Been around any college students from (named a couple of local schools) recently?

Me: Actually, we invited a visitor to Sunday dinner recently who attends one of them. He seemed fine at the time.

Dr.: Have you been in contact with crowds or sick people lately?

Me: Well, yes, and yes. I'm a pastor's wife who stands at the exit every Sunday shaking hands with all the adults and children (whom I'm sure don't always wash their hands properly after such unsavory activities as nose-picking, etc. - meaning the children). I think shaking hands with everyone could literally be considered "contact" with crowds.

Dr.: Nurse! Get a swab!

Ten minutes later I was certified flu-free with the diagnosis of an elephant named Bronchitis. I already knew this as the elephant was a frequent visitor when I was a child.

Further proof of how far medicine has progressed is that the 2-week rounds of antibiotics that I used to take have now been replaced with 3 mega doses. I like that so much better! It means less chance of forgetting to take a dose, or wondering if I've already taken a dose ("senior moments" makes this pretty important), or wondering if symptoms are caused by illness or side effects. But most of all, it means the elephant will be packing his trunk quicker than ever.

It also means fewer lost school days, but some people might not appreciate that. Good thing these advances in medical science came when I was an adult instead of when I was a child.

School reconvenes Tuesday. Holiday weekend, you know. :)