From Fear to Faith: A Personal Testimony

I have been open about my private physical health problem so let me be just as frank about a private spiritual health problem I recently experienced. This may not be the kind of thing you would expect a pastor's wife to write - after all, aren't we supposed to be super-spiritual or something? - but what follows is true and from my heart.

* * *

One day toward the end of June I was sitting here at the computer typing a Bible Journal entry for the daily blog post.

"You know that this is all an exercise in futility. God is not real and the Bible is fake."

That's the thought that crossed my mind. I immediately stopped, prayed, and tried to dismiss it but it troubled me far longer than I thought possible! I've been a faithful follower of Jesus Christ for almost 40 years now. Recently I had even completed 27 years of providing my children a Christian education through homeschooling. Once that was completed I had turned my focus to personal ministry. After much prayerful consideration, and with Pastor Dad's blessing, I had begun investing additional time and money into helping people with their needs. Specifically, this was to be centered on the following 3 groups of people that God says cannot be expected to repay their benefactor:

• widows
• orphans (or those who are unwanted, or unborn, or from broken homes: all of whom can be similar to orphans)
• foreigners.

You know, those people that God told the Israelites to help when He had Moses write the Pentateuch.

Alumni and Faculty of Karabeth Baptist Homeschool, a division of Gateway Christian Schools, Memphis, TN

Things had been going well. At least they had been until that awful, frightening thought took up residence in my mind ...

A few nights later I had a terrifying nightmare! I had another a few weeks later. Those dreams made me not want to sleep for fear of having another. I began to doubt my salvation and this was not the first time. But when I was a child and doubted it was because I wondered if I had understood, or repented, or trusted Christ, or {fill in the blank}. This was different. This was "There is no God no matter what you believe."  I cannot conceive of a more hopeless thought!

Scriptures tell us that only fools say there is no God, that Jesus is God in the flesh who defeated spiritual and physical death for us, and that if there is no resurrection we are of all men most miserable. That pretty much summarizes my situation. I felt like a miserable fool. Things stayed that way for several weeks but I carried on as well as I could, including typing blog posts despite the troubling thought in my head. My life, and the rest of the summer went on in its course. (That was chronicled in a previous happier post.)

* * *

Then on July 19th I received the following excerpted email from a church friend. It was so timely and so appreciated. 

Just been thinking about you and the Pastor all week....especially yesterday and today.
Mrs. _____ told us that when someone comes to mind and you don't know
why, to just pray for them.

When I read this email I sunk to the floor and cried.  Someone was praying for us! For me!  God, if there truly is a God, had put me on this woman's mind. (She would later tell me that God awoke her in the night several times that week and that was when she prayed.)

Once I regained some composure I typed this reply:

Thank you for your prayers. Mrs. _____ was right. We need them! It has been a very stressful week.

Personally, I have been struggling with doubts. That's probably not the kind of thing you want to hear from your pastor's wife, but it is true. On top of everything else he has had to deal with lately your pastor has had to hold his frightened wife and calmly tell her that the God we say we love and worship really does exist.

I KNOW THAT MY REDEEMER LIVETH and yet I am struggling with it. I have been very open about this with my husband and he has been very patient with me. He thinks that my Bible Journal that I post daily on my blog has earned me oppression and perhaps he is right. It had been my best year of personal Bible study so far and I had been devouring scripture like a starving person grabs food. Then the doubtful thoughts began sweeping over me and I panicked.

I'm still devouring scripture, though, and believe God will make Himself known to me. In fact, I find the thought that He told you to pray for us very comforting. Thank you for telling me.

Her response was simple but profound:

I love you and I want you to know that I never thought you were more than human. 

Okay, we all know I'm only human, but it was comforting to know that others do not hold me to a higher standard than other humans. Evidently ministerial family members do experience doubts and there are spiritual people who pray for them!

I later remembered that being human is what Jesus coming to earth was all about! Yes, He is 100% God but He is also 100% man (and no, I cannot explain this). It is because He is human that He could experience everything we do yet remain sinless and that makes it possible for Him to be our Savior.

* * *

The very next morning, July 20th, I picked up Lisa and Roman at the airport. As I looked at the smile on the face of that happy little cherub in the stroller my heart was pounding. I love that little guy! I do not want to lead him astray! We raised his mommy and her siblings to have faith in Jesus Christ and Him alone as their mediator between their sinful selves and the holy God. It is the same faith that we are presenting to our grandchildren. What if we had misled our children all those years and were continuing to do so? I must find the TRUTH before it is too late! After all, being sincere in a faith isn't enough. It is obvious that many sincere people are sincerely wrong since all views of faith cannot be right. They are mutually exclusive.

* * *

Besides my babysitting responsibilities at church camp I had also been planning to be a counselor. Given what I was going through then it did not seem prudent for me to lead a group of teen-aged girls in spiritual reflection. I attempted to talk to our teen camp director's wife Sunday morning, July 21st, to tell her that I was not going to be able to be a counselor but that didn't work out. I took my place in the choir and tried to get through the song service but that didn't work either. I left the auditorium in tears while we were singing a hymn. I later found myself sobbing in the arms of my surprised pastor-husband during the closing hymn. He asked the congregation to pray for me, as one God-awakened/email-sending member and he himself were already doing. (In the 4 weeks since that service I have had numerous people tell me that God has been awakening them at night and they pray for me. I haven't had any more nightmares so perhaps their intervention - and lack of sleep - has helped me rest.) Telling our congregation about my fear was one of the most humbling things I have ever had to do and yet it was the key to recovery.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.  James 5:16 

The next day was our 35th wedding anniversary as well as the first day of camp. It is not unusual for those two things to coincide and actually seems fitting since we have been ministering together since the days we took our vows. But my spiritual peace did not return to me overnight and so instead of being a counselor I worked as support staff which gave me more time to read, study, and pray. It was time well-spent toward examining the Bible, other belief systems, and my own heart.

* * *

I later spoke with my friend, the email buddy, about the things that had been troubling me, one of which is what happens when we die. What if I am wrong about death and there is no God, no Jesus, no Heaven? This wise woman told me that what I am seeking is dying grace and I won't need it until I am dying. Right now I only need the kind of grace necessary to live day by day. It is one thing to make sure that one is on the right path, and indeed, it is what I and my husband have dedicated our lives to help people find, but it is another to fear death.

She was right! It is grace for today that I need and God will take care of all my tomorrows. 

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. (Matthew 6:34)

If you want me to tell you how I reached my conclusions about God and the Bible I will be glad to do so, but not now. Since most of my readers are believers you may know the path I wandered. My starting point was this: If God is real, then I am a Christian because I believe Jesus paid for my sins. With that in mind, and the prayer, "Lord, help thou my unbelief" I began my research.  And once again I was able to experience the joy of my salvation! The fear is gone and faith has taken its place!

Pastor Dad and I with the 8 blessings that call us "Grandad" and "Gram." We are determined that each of these precious youngsters hear over and over again about the living God who loves them, sent His Son to pay for their sins if they will repent and believe, and desires to live with them throughout eternity! 

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? 32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? 33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth. 34 Who is he that condemneth? It is Christ that died, yea rather, that is risen again, who is even at the right hand of God, who also maketh intercession for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31-39